Turning an Adversary into an Advocate

Have you ever had an team member that, for whatever reason, you seem to have an issue with? Perhaps it was a previous conflict between the two of you, or maybe they had a great relationship with their previous supervisor and you coming in is a change they just can’t get behind… yet. The one I find the hardest to emotionally reconcile is that they just simply don’t like you. Ouch. 

Whether it is your peer, subordinate, or supervisor, this situation can create strained working relationships and affect your own mental health (and the mental health of others!). It often leads to a decrease in productivity and morale, which is not just contained to the people with the ‘beef’. 

When I started as a supervisor of supervisors, I experienced this with a team member. Slightly older than me with tons of work and life experience, this individual didn’t like me. At all. And made it very clear to me and others on our team. 

I know what you’re thinking “Whaaaa? Not like YOU?! How is that possible you perfect human being!?”. (Please note the sarcasm here… I am quite far from perfect and have habits/mannerisms/approaches that can really piss people off sometimes!). 

Why did this individual dislike me? I had made mistakes in the past that she was either affected by or witnessed through the perspective of others. Add on that one of her closest friends had also applied for the job I was now in. We are also just different people with unique perspectives and mannerisms… and I think mine bugged her. 

You can imagine I had a hill to climb in our relationship. I had learned from those mistakes and am so grateful for them, but this individual couldn’t see my internal growth. I kept being positive and tried to give 100% effort, but the response I was getting was a shoulder colder than the arctic in a polar vortex. 

One day after months of tension (that I handled poorly by just pretending it didn’t exist - eek!), things blew up. She walked into my office and ripped a strip off of me for something I had no control over. Without getting into detail, she caught wind of an impending change that would affect her. I had been explicitly told by my boss to not share with her yet. Although I had heeded this order, someone else had not. They leaked the sensitive information to her. This employee was hurt, scared, and directed that frustration at me. She felt like she couldn’t trust me, that I was hoarding information for my own personal gain, and that I didn’t care about others. That was her perception, and her perception is her reality. 

Fast forward to today - and I am happy to say that now, she is one of my closest work associates. We care about each other. We are open and honest, including sharing that there are things we can’t share. But there is a level of trust there now. 

How did we get there? 

By viewing situations as ‘we’ instead of ‘you versus me’.  Remembering we are on the same team. Each giving each other the benefit of the doubt rather than making assumptions or assuming the worst intentions. 

But that didn’t happen overnight. Here are a few tips for rebuilding strained relationships with coworkers (or anyone, really!)

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Clear the Air

This was a big mistake I made when I first started - the tension between us was palpable, but I didn’t address it. I assumed that by doing the right things for the right reasons she would eventually be ‘won over’ and things would be okay. Now, I make a point of calling out feelings in a non-confrontational way to make sure we have an opportunity for a fresh start. For example: 

“Hey, I’m feeling like there might be some tension between us and I really want to clear the air. You bring so much to our team that makes us stronger, and I want to learn from you and with you. I know this is just the beginning of the conversation, but I want to let you know that the door is open and I want to listen to any concerns and thoughts you have.”

Keep It People-Focused

Always remember that the person sitting across from you is a person, and people are complex. That person might be dealing with a lot more than what you know - family illness, divorce, insecurity, mental health concerns, kids acting out, or financial issues - that are affecting their ability to show up with compassion and understanding. While it doesn’t excuse rude or disrespectful behaviour, it can help explain it. 

There is a great little book called the 100/0 Principle by Al Ritter, which states that you should give 100% effort to a relationship, expecting nothing (0) in return. You go back day after day, persistently being kind and assuming the best. Remember how I said I was giving 100% effort with my staff member? Well it took doing that for a LONG time (in conjuction with these other tips!) before it paid off. Now, both of us give 100% effort. It’s amazing! On the off chance it doesn’t work, you switch from being a ‘knower’ to a ‘learner’, asking questions to genuinely try to better understand where the person is coming from. I did a little bit of this, too!

Accept Criticism

If someone wants to dislike you, and your ideas, they will. Accept it, because you will not change their mind with facts and logic.

What can you do? Try your best to separate their attitude from their ideas or concerns, because there may be validity in there! Having a devil’s advocate, while frustrating, is a great opportunity to really think through all sides of an idea or process. Be the bigger person, but feel free to cut off disrespectful behaviour using a kind but firm line such as:

“I see you have some concerns that we need to work through, so I’m going to set up a separate conversation for you and I to discuss further.”.

Then follow up, discussing both what they were concerned about while setting boundaries about how they share their thoughts. Also remember that just because you accept criticism doesn’t mean you have to change your perspective or your decision! But being open to possibility shows respect and leads to the best possible outcome in both process and relationships.

Make it Safe

People will not be honest if they don’t trust you, or are worried about how you will react. What might they be thinking?

“Will sharing this mean I don’t get my annual bonus?”

“What if they speak poorly of me in a reference, or if I get a terrible schedule because I shared this?”

“If I tell her why I’m upset, she’s going to think I’m too emotional and can’t be trusted to handle things myself.”

Psychological safety is one of the most important things we can do for our people. For more information about creating a psychologically safe environment, check out our blog post on it here!

Look Inward

Although a world full of The Sims™ characters has its benefits, unfortunately humans have free will. We cannot control their actions, reactions, approach or decisions. Shoot, hey!? 

That means all we can really control is ourselves. We can lead from within; reviewing our own actions and learning from what goes right and what goes wrong. Take some time to analyze each interaction you have and take note of what went well, where you may have made assumptions, and what you could do next time to make the situation better. If you struggle with this, find a peer or a coach (we do that too, if you’re interested!) who might be able to ask you the tough questions, challenge your assumptions, and allow you to reflect. 

Try To Reconcile

You might not agree, and you might not even like each other. But please don’t write someone off without making a few attempts to fix things. If it doesn’t lead to a good relationship, at minimum you can keep your head held high knowing you dealt with the situation with integrity and respect. 

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The saying I live by is simple:

“Be the person who, when someone speaks poorly of you, nobody else believes them”.

None of us will ever be perfect, but by working towards reconciliation and learning from mistakes we become the best version of ourselves.